How Couples Recover from Infidelity.

Dayna Mullen, Registered Psychologist- PACT level 3

How Couples Recover from Infidelity: Integrating PACT and IFS for Healing and Growth

Infidelity is one of the most challenging crises a couple can face. The emotional devastation, loss of trust, and fractured bond can leave partners feeling uncertain about whether recovery is even possible. Yet, many couples do successfully navigate this difficult journey, and in the process, they often emerge stronger and more connected than before.

Recovery from infidelity is not just about rebuilding trust but also about deepening understanding and reconnecting on an emotional, psychological, and relational level. In this blog post, we’ll explore how the integration of two powerful therapeutic models—PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) and IFS (Internal Family Systems)—can offer a profound roadmap for healing after infidelity.

Understanding PACT: A Foundation for Secure Attachment

At the core of PACT, developed by Dr. Stan Tatkin, is the idea that secure attachment is fundamental to healthy relationships. PACT focuses on understanding how couples' nervous systems interact and the impact this has on their emotional and relational dynamics. When infidelity strikes, partners are often thrown into an insecure attachment state, characterized by heightened stress, fear, and emotional disarray. The ability to regain a sense of safety and trust is essential for healing.

One of the first steps in recovery from infidelity using PACT principles is helping both partners attune to one another’s emotional states. This means that instead of focusing on blame or justifying actions, the couple works together to understand each other’s pain and emotional needs. Through this process, both partners are encouraged to become "secure bases" for one another—supporting each other’s emotional needs and creating a sense of safety even in the midst of vulnerability.

PACT emphasizes the importance of co-regulation—when one partner provides emotional reassurance and calm to the other. This can be incredibly healing after infidelity, as emotional distress often becomes overwhelming. For example, the partner who has been betrayed may experience feelings of rage, sadness, and confusion, while the partner who has betrayed may feel guilt, shame, or fear of losing the relationship. Co-regulation helps each partner process these emotions without becoming overwhelmed, and it creates a more secure environment for healing.

Incorporating IFS: Healing the Parts of Us That Hurt

While PACT focuses on the relational dynamics and attachment patterns, IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, takes a deeper dive into the internal worlds of individuals. According to IFS, we all have different "parts" within us that represent various emotions, desires, and beliefs. These parts are often formed in response to life experiences—especially painful or traumatic ones like betrayal.

When infidelity occurs, it triggers a deep emotional wound in both partners, activating different parts of their inner worlds. For the betrayed partner, it might activate parts that feel hurt, abandoned, or unworthy. For the partner who was unfaithful, parts of guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment or judgment may surface.

IFS invites each partner to acknowledge and understand these parts rather than suppress or ignore them. For example, the betrayed partner might have a "hurt" part that is deeply wounded by the betrayal. Instead of staying in a state of anger or resentment, IFS helps this partner connect with their wounded part, offering it compassion and understanding. This inner healing allows the person to process their emotions in a healthier way, instead of letting them control their responses to their partner.

Similarly, the partner who betrayed might have a "shamed" part that feels deeply regretful or undeserving of forgiveness. Through IFS, this part can be understood and healed, allowing the person to take responsibility for their actions without being overwhelmed by self-blame or defensive behavior. By working with their inner parts, both partners can create a more compassionate internal environment that supports the rebuilding of trust and emotional connection.

The Role of Communication: Attunement and Vulnerability

Incorporating both PACT and IFS into the recovery process means that communication between partners becomes central to healing. This requires vulnerability, something that may feel incredibly difficult in the aftermath of betrayal. However, as Dr. Tatkin teaches in PACT, vulnerable communication is essential for regaining secure attachment. Both partners must be willing to express their emotional truths while also listening to and validating each other’s experiences.

PACT encourages couples to create a “secure haven” for communication, where both individuals feel safe to express their fears, needs, and desires. In this process, partners learn to become emotionally available and responsive to each other’s needs, whether that means offering reassurance, listening deeply, or providing comfort. IFS supports this by helping individuals identify the parts of themselves that might block vulnerable communication—such as a defensive "protector" part—and work through these blocks to foster authentic connection.

Rebuilding Trust Through Compassionate Action

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a slow, step-by-step process, but it’s possible with a combination of commitment, self-reflection, and mutual effort. PACT and IFS together help couples create a roadmap for this journey, focusing on both external actions and internal healing. Trust is rebuilt not only through consistent and trustworthy behavior but also through compassionate understanding of each partner's emotional world.

For the partner who has betrayed the trust, it’s essential to show consistent remorse and take responsibility for their actions. This can be difficult but necessary, and PACT’s emphasis on co-regulation and secure attachment can help the partner navigate this process without becoming overwhelmed by guilt or shame. Meanwhile, IFS helps this partner to heal their internal parts of guilt and shame so they can offer genuine compassion to the other person, rather than deflecting or avoiding responsibility.

For the betrayed partner, healing involves working through the hurt and trauma that the betrayal triggered. IFS can help this partner understand their wounded parts and process their pain, while PACT ensures that the relationship remains a secure base where emotional regulation can take place. Over time, this healing helps both partners rebuild the emotional and relational foundation of trust.

Moving Forward: Building a Stronger Relationship

Recovering from infidelity doesn’t just mean going back to "normal"—it’s about creating a new, more resilient relationship. By combining the attachment-based principles of PACT with the deep inner healing of IFS, couples can move forward not as they were before the betrayal, but as a more connected, understanding, and compassionate pair.

Infidelity is undoubtedly painful, but with the right tools, a commitment to understanding one another’s emotional worlds, and a willingness to heal together, couples can recover and emerge from the experience even stronger. Both PACT and IFS offer valuable frameworks for navigating this difficult journey, helping partners heal individually and as a couple, and ultimately build a relationship founded on trust, emotional safety, and deep connection.

If you're facing the aftermath of infidelity, seeking guidance from a trained therapist who incorporates both PACT and IFS principles can provide invaluable support. Healing is possible, and with the right resources, it’s entirely within reach.

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